Delightfull Blue

well Mike did pay for the phone and now i have my cell phone back on. YAHOOO!!!! so anyways i been thinking about stuff for a while. i can't help it it just comes and goes when it wants too. i miss my baby girl. i try to not think about her but i can't help it. i remember it like it was yesterday. everything. the way Mike looked when we went to the hospital. i can still hear my dad crying in my ear. when we came home after we found out and Mike was sitting on the coach with me and Jo walked in and all i could say to her is that it is ok. knowing it was not. i tryed to make every one feel like it was ok but it was not. how my 2 big sisters were so mad cuz all they wanted for me is to get it over with. yelling at the so called doc i had. that was the best. how no one knew at he hospital knew how far along i was. when she was coming i started to cry cuz Mike was not there and Becky had to run out side to go get him. i sware it only to 2 seconds for him to come in to the room after becky went to go get him. how the doc kept telling me how bad she looked and if he helped me her head will pop off. that's what he said. he wanted me to look at her when i was trying to get her out of me. well all this plus more all run in my head every day and night. i try to stop and think of something good but i can't. i think about this Christmas and family but it just makes me sad. cuz last year i thought about Riley and how much fun and proud i would be of her cuz every one would have said how cute she was and pass her around. sitting on Santa's lap. all that good stuff i thought about last year. so i fave to say i am not looking forward to this year. it will for me be sad. i just don't want to face it. i will be alone on that day even with all my family around me i will still be alone. i just don't want to do this but i will and if any one reads this. just to let u know she is always in my mind even thought u do not think about her i do. so if u see me sad or what ever this year just remember it is not u. it's all me and i will be ok. just thinking about it. i just want to cry. there is every one so happy with there kids and grandkids having fun. then there is me childless because i am to damn stubborn. if i was not stubborn i think it would have been different. why does my mom say it is going to be ok??? in the past before my baby everything was ok until now. i believed her. i should have lesion to every one telling me i should have went some where else to see a different doc. i am so stubborn. why do i have to learn the hard way all the time. why did this happen. this never happened in my family. i was 3 months and i bout her diperbag cuz i knew nothing was going to happen. how did i know the baby didn't stop moving. i was thinking of a newborn. they don't move when they are sleeping in there crib. why didn't any one tell me they do not stop moving when u are pregnant????? but i guess i learned my lesion the hard way like i always do.. i know i tell people to get over it and i do the same with things that are in my life and i tryed to get over my baby and i can't. this will be with me untill i die. i will always think of her. last weekend mike had a dream about his dad. his dad had a big smile on his face and he was holding a baby girl in his arms. mike knew that was Riley. she was a newborn. Mike said he could not see her face but just knew it was her. he keeped telling me that the baby his dad was holding was beautifull. when he tolled me i was kinda mad that he can have dreams like this cuz the last time i had a dream about her. some one was telling me that some one was going to try to take my baby away then a few weeks later we find out that she was gone. so anyways i better go