1 YEAR!!!

well it has been a whole year since my daughter Riley Ann Staver was born on February 10th 2008. it was a vary bad year last year for me. it went so fast for me it was like a bad dream. but i am alright now. i will try to do my best to start over with my life. so i am going to walk every day some times twice a day. i am going to get a complete fiscal to see if i am ok. and i will go from there. i still have no idea what i am going to do about a job right now. but i will fighter it out. i will get on with my life. i need to. i can't let this stop me. it took my whole life. i will get it back. i will not let it run my life any more. so wish me luck if any one cares.

NORTH DAKOTA!!!!!

Me and mike went to the city of Fargo in North Dakota last weekend. spear of the moment kinda thing. we had so much fun. it took 5 hours to get there. we drove right past Sarah's house. we finally got there around 7pm and drank the rest of the night at the bar in the hotel we stayed at. we did summer sluts on the bed. i totally messed up my neck. we just hung out and talked about stuff in the room. this crazy thing happened to me when we were coming back from the bar. i fell on the cement floor. slamming the back of my head on the way down. i had a huge bump on my head. i had a huge headache so i went to go look for something for it, when i walked out of our hotel room there was a cop just standing in front of our door. i think we were loud. then we passed out 10 minuets after that. just before we went to bed Mike ordered a pizza. when we woke up with a hang over the next morning we looked out our window and guess what we seen? we seen hooters the restraint. then we looked around the city and all we seen where help wanted sighs. that was one crazy weekend. but i had fun.

well hello to you all. i am doing good me and Mike are fine. Mike got his job and then the next day his boss fired all the temp's so he is a very lucky boy. he is going to have enuf money to get an apartment at the end of next month. so i am so excited about that cuz that mean's i will be moving down there soon. i hope there are jobs there cuz i am going out of my mind. i just hope this year will be better then last year. i don't have much to say so that's all i am going to say. for now.

the big move !

well i am going to moving in my new apartment this weekend. it's upstairs. John tolled me i have to be as quit as a mouse. so that means Mike and his son can not come over or some one will call the cops on me again and i will get kicked out. so i am pissed off cuz he tolled me he had a down stairs for me and he lied about it. so every time Mike comes over he has to get a room for him and his son. i am having a bad day. i miss my kid. i just want to run away but i can't. i just want to start over where no one knows me or what happened to me and my baby. i want to brake up with Mike but i can't. it's to hard. to much there. for me if i say goodbye to him i am kinda in my mind saying goodbye to a little peace of her. and i just can't do that right now. i have nothing to show for my life but urine for my little girl's ashes. no job,no money no nothing right now. why can't i just be happy, have a my own family and a good life. so i am not having a good day today. i just want this to go away. some times i think of her and just cry. all alone. i am writing this cuz i feel better writing it then talking about this. i just want it to go away.

well hello again to u all. well Mike and his son came over last weekend. and as soon as we got home the girl down stairs from me. called the cops on us because Mikes little boy was running and jumping. he was happy and we did tell him to stop but he didn't. then big John came over to give me a letter and telling me i have to wright a letter to who owns the apartments, telling them it will never happen again. the funny thing is the the chick down stares lets her dog bark all the time and playing her crappy music all night long. but i am the one getting in trouble. so i do not know. i think the chick down stairs is trying to get me kicked out. i didn't do anything to her. i just don't know what to do any more. it's not getting any better. me and mike are not getting better. i just don'r know.

well Mike did pay for the phone and now i have my cell phone back on. YAHOOO!!!! so anyways i been thinking about stuff for a while. i can't help it it just comes and goes when it wants too. i miss my baby girl. i try to not think about her but i can't help it. i remember it like it was yesterday. everything. the way Mike looked when we went to the hospital. i can still hear my dad crying in my ear. when we came home after we found out and Mike was sitting on the coach with me and Jo walked in and all i could say to her is that it is ok. knowing it was not. i tryed to make every one feel like it was ok but it was not. how my 2 big sisters were so mad cuz all they wanted for me is to get it over with. yelling at the so called doc i had. that was the best. how no one knew at he hospital knew how far along i was. when she was coming i started to cry cuz Mike was not there and Becky had to run out side to go get him. i sware it only to 2 seconds for him to come in to the room after becky went to go get him. how the doc kept telling me how bad she looked and if he helped me her head will pop off. that's what he said. he wanted me to look at her when i was trying to get her out of me. well all this plus more all run in my head every day and night. i try to stop and think of something good but i can't. i think about this Christmas and family but it just makes me sad. cuz last year i thought about Riley and how much fun and proud i would be of her cuz every one would have said how cute she was and pass her around. sitting on Santa's lap. all that good stuff i thought about last year. so i fave to say i am not looking forward to this year. it will for me be sad. i just don't want to face it. i will be alone on that day even with all my family around me i will still be alone. i just don't want to do this but i will and if any one reads this. just to let u know she is always in my mind even thought u do not think about her i do. so if u see me sad or what ever this year just remember it is not u. it's all me and i will be ok. just thinking about it. i just want to cry. there is every one so happy with there kids and grandkids having fun. then there is me childless because i am to damn stubborn. if i was not stubborn i think it would have been different. why does my mom say it is going to be ok??? in the past before my baby everything was ok until now. i believed her. i should have lesion to every one telling me i should have went some where else to see a different doc. i am so stubborn. why do i have to learn the hard way all the time. why did this happen. this never happened in my family. i was 3 months and i bout her diperbag cuz i knew nothing was going to happen. how did i know the baby didn't stop moving. i was thinking of a newborn. they don't move when they are sleeping in there crib. why didn't any one tell me they do not stop moving when u are pregnant????? but i guess i learned my lesion the hard way like i always do.. i know i tell people to get over it and i do the same with things that are in my life and i tryed to get over my baby and i can't. this will be with me untill i die. i will always think of her. last weekend mike had a dream about his dad. his dad had a big smile on his face and he was holding a baby girl in his arms. mike knew that was Riley. she was a newborn. Mike said he could not see her face but just knew it was her. he keeped telling me that the baby his dad was holding was beautifull. when he tolled me i was kinda mad that he can have dreams like this cuz the last time i had a dream about her. some one was telling me that some one was going to try to take my baby away then a few weeks later we find out that she was gone. so anyways i better go

some bad news!

well i have some bad news if any one cares i quit my job cuz they cut back my hours. so now i have no job. but that is not the worst part my cell phone was cut off as well. so do not call me. u can email me all u want. i am starting to work out. i hope it works. i should have done this last February. but whatever i got so lazy. the funny thing is that mike thinks that i am going to the gym and i am not. so i am keeping all the money he gives me. hehehehe. so i have to work out. no matter what. we both agred that i would after my baby was born but i just could not and then i just got lazy. but not any more. anyways have a good day.